The Hazards on the roads of Nairobi
Relax, people. This is not about the usual robberies and hijackings we always here about. Don’t get me wrong, those are big issues and important issues, and most importantly issues that are of critical importance to our lives. But as much as these are critical, there are few other issues that are just as important: potholes,Matatus and traffic cops, in increasing order of danger! Wait, let me explain…
The pot holes on our roads: These are phenomenal sites and I believe that we could actually carry of the first prize for the “potholes as a tourist attraction” awards. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, we were beaten to it - I know, seems impossible doesn’t it? Especially when you are driving through South C, or some roads in Industrial Area to name but a few - these are the times when you wonder what the hype is about the NgoroNgoro crater. Oh well, in Brazil we met our match. I say this after recently seeing a video clip of a lady whose car disappeared, and I mean literally disappeared, into a pot hole there, And relying on the authenticity of this clip, I have to come to the rather sad conclusion that we were beaten hollow. We have a problem, but there are places where it is a lot worse…
The Matatus:…mmmh where do I start? Ok, right here Oh mi god!!!!( I have momentarily recovered.) Matatus are "life savers" who go through, over and around cars, roads, footpaths and people to get us to our destinations on time, or at least faster than by other more, reasonable (for lack of a better word) means of transport. But do I even have to mention the price fluctuations, frequent melees, rudeness and the vicious onslaught of these four wheeled monsters in and out of traffic? And, of course when we are all patiently sitting in traffic it is only because we are inane Dudus who don’t realize that if we use the footpath instead traffic will ease out. So, it is settled - matatus are a hazard: a mighty force NOT to be reckoned with…
…and finally we come to the police: To narrow it down, I specifically mean the traffic police on our roads. The traffic police claim to be helping out with our road congestion problems. Many people seem to believe them and often call them to assist when there seems to be a hold up on the roads. These individuals are either inane or innocent naïve souls who cannot see that they have just invited (willingly!) the most dangerous species on our roads to feast, and destroy all hope for other road users.
My first concern is the waste of resources - oh no not the policemen - I mean the traffic lights. I suggest that since they are not being used, the government allow interested parties to go to the streets, pull the traffic signals out of their settlements and display them at home for any purpose thought appropriate (NB: for all the Kikuyus and Shahs, only one per household and not for commercial purposes, if you please). This will save tax payers money and benefit the cops as they will not have any competition on the traffic creation issues.
But of course, it is only the Kenyan traffic cops who have this incredible skill of getting as many cars as possible around the round about and keeping them there, so no cars can move, and the more number of cars there are and the more number of roundabouts affected, the better. I am convinced that they make big money by betting on who’ll create the best snarl up for the day (ooops did I say snarl?) Perhaps, it is a case of personal vendetta - you know I'm not getting paid well, so let me get onto the road and show these people that even if they getting paid they can't get home to make use of that money...
So, the traffic cops are like a disease that leaves individuals ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, DEPRESSED, MAD and utterly USELESS and BRAINLESS…and…have therefore won the price of the greatest HAZARDS on the roads of Nairobi affecting people physically, mentally and emotionally! You can't beat them...
