Promise...

And I stood amidst the vast hills and against the never ending backdrop of more hills. I looked up into the sacred, seemingly endless sea of blue, "This is the sky" I was told a lifetime ago. Eons ago, when I was a child, I remember people looking up and praying to god as though he lived in that unflinching, moody sky, and today, years later I stand below that promise of hope, looking up through glistening eyes; angry eyes; searching for hope - this thought of a god, this mere fiction of imagination?

And i shouted at the sky. Raging, questioning this injustice, demanding a return of faith, seeking healing from the very entity that abandoned me. The anguish in my voice deafening, enticing the silence around me. And then moments of consummate stillness -tears falling rapidly down my face, hair tangled wildly across my face, unattended, unaware of anything but pain. On my knees now, crumpled against the unyielding, hard, stolid earth, face bent over dishevelled heart and mind, weighed down by cares - relentless, faced by the sempiternal truth that this was desperation, and finally awakening to the cold magnanimous wind sweeping around me. Cold eyes stare back at the sky, warmth returning to them as the blue, now dark-grey, heavens pounded the earth incessantly, heavily thunderously with tears of hope - soaking my body, drowning, forgetting, peace, safe...

Poem

My mind is in a cluster

I cant seem to find the muster

To sit down and write like a jester.

Perhaps, it is my imagination that begins to fester?

Or maybe, it is this coldness creeping,

That at times has me weeping,

And every time I see life leaping,

A reminder that comes in seeping - 

And yet tomorrow,

Amidst all this sorrow,

I'll see you. And once more

Feel life course through me and soar!

Some More Poetry

Gum

It got in at 10:00 a.m.

It is now 6:00 p.m.

It was a crisp, clean bite

Until the rough-tough edges of molar

Dug deep into its extendable surface.

Stretching, rolling over

Tongue,

Biting flavour out of its life,

Sucking away all 

Sweetness.

Crunching non-stop,

Till all that remains is a 

Rubbery rubber mass – tastes of rubber,

Rough like rubber,

Persistent like rubber:

This gum I'm chewing

Has me spewing

Ictus

It might sound passé,

Like an over-worked caché -

My brain begins to malfunction,

As I pave my way to this junction.

Will it be the right or left?

Will this decision be all I have left?

Weave in, Weave out 

Wayward waving through waves,

Rippling rage, random, roaming,

Riding, rearing, rising. 

Falling

And back here, tired -

Life, my boss, has been fired.

Crying shame that.

Howdy, there? Can ye here me?

Blabbing am I?

Well, what do you care?

Indeed,you do care:

Simple sanity, sacred, soars

Settles, sublime, surreptitious 

Safety. Still spent,

Spent out

Spent down

Spent

Spe

Sp

S

s

Some Dance and Grad Pics

Taken by Storm

It was one of those days when you wake up knowing nothing can go wrong. The weather was perfect: grey and whispering of merry rain, promising to shower the sedate parched hills with a long awaited cleansing. No hint of sunlight appeared to mar the delightful play of the rain drops, flowing in gentle angles and a growing rapidity that would have been regarded forceful, except for the grace with which it embraced the surroundings.

I turned from the window and looked to the other side. He was sprawled comfortably on the bed, stirring slightly, as the first drops hit the pane of glass and rumbled against the brick tiles of this cottage. Ever so slowly his eyes opened and looked straight into mine; a glimmer of a smile played on his lips as he watched me hugging a mug of hot coffee to my lips and dressed in a grey sweatshirt that was unmistakably his. With a slow movement he beckoned me to him. I walked to him. Such comfort should be scary but it wasn't. I was bound to this entity: he was my friend, he was my lover, he was my passion, he was my flaw and he was my joy.

Road Trouble

The Hazards on the roads of Nairobi

Relax, people. This is not about the usual robberies and hijackings we always here about. Don’t get me wrong, those are big issues and important issues, and most importantly issues that are of critical importance to our lives. But as much as these are critical, there are few other issues that are just as important: potholes,Matatus and traffic cops, in increasing order of danger! Wait, let me explain…

The pot holes on our roads: These are phenomenal sites and I believe that we could actually carry of the first prize for the “potholes as a tourist attraction” awards. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, we were beaten to it - I know, seems impossible doesn’t it? Especially when you are driving through South C, or some roads in Industrial Area to name but a few - these are the times when you wonder what the hype is about the NgoroNgoro crater. Oh well, in Brazil we met our match. I say this after recently seeing a video clip of a lady whose car disappeared, and I mean literally disappeared, into a pot hole there, And relying on the authenticity of this clip, I have to come to the rather sad conclusion that we were beaten hollow. We have a problem, but there are places where it is a lot worse…

The Matatus:…mmmh where do I start? Ok, right here Oh mi god!!!!( I have momentarily recovered.) Matatus are "life savers" who go through, over and around cars, roads, footpaths and people to get us to our destinations on time, or at least faster than by other more, reasonable (for lack of a better word) means of transport. But do I even have to mention the price fluctuations, frequent melees, rudeness and the vicious onslaught of these four wheeled monsters in and out of traffic? And, of course when we are all patiently sitting in traffic it is only because we are inane Dudus who don’t realize that if we use the footpath instead traffic will ease out. So, it is settled - matatus are a hazard: a mighty force NOT to be reckoned with…

…and finally we come to the police: To narrow it down, I specifically mean the traffic police on our roads. The traffic police claim to be helping out with our road congestion problems. Many people seem to believe them and often call them to assist when there seems to be a hold up on the roads. These individuals are either inane or innocent naïve souls who cannot see that they have just invited (willingly!) the most dangerous species on our roads to feast, and destroy all hope for other road users. 

My first concern is the waste of resources - oh no not the policemen - I mean the traffic lights. I suggest that since they are not being used, the government allow interested parties to go to the streets, pull the traffic signals out of their settlements and display them at home for any purpose thought appropriate (NB: for all the Kikuyus and Shahs, only one per household and not for commercial purposes, if you please). This will save tax payers money and benefit the cops as they will not have any competition on the traffic creation issues.

But of course, it is only the Kenyan traffic cops who have this incredible skill of getting as many cars as possible around the round about and keeping them there, so no cars can move, and the more number of cars there are and the more number of roundabouts affected, the better. I am convinced that they make big money by betting on who’ll create the best snarl up for the day (ooops did I say snarl?) Perhaps, it is a case of personal vendetta - you know I'm not getting paid well, so let me get onto the road and show these people that even if they getting paid they can't get home to make use of that money...

So, the traffic cops are like a disease that leaves individuals ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, DEPRESSED, MAD and utterly USELESS and BRAINLESS…and…have therefore won the price of the greatest HAZARDS on the roads of Nairobi affecting people physically, mentally and emotionally! You can't beat them...

Some Of my Favourite Quotes

"Weeping may endure the night but joy cometh in the morning." (from the Bible quoted in Anne of the Island: L.M.Montgomery)

"Keep up your bright swords for the dew will rust them." (from Othello: W. Shakespeare)

"My problems began in my early childhood. I went to a school for mentally challenged teachers." (Woody Allen)

"The rose of love makes the blossom of friendship pale and scentless in contrast." (from Anne of the Island: L.M. Montgomery)

"There's nothing complicated about love: You either love someone or you don't. The complications only rise when one does and the other doesn't" (me!! hehehe)

Malaise

I cannot find words
Fitting to describe
This quandary I am in,
Where everything seems to pale
When you go away.

I wish it would change,
I'd like to taste life again -
Perhaps not.
But, this burden of needing you,
This fact, that my life is etched in memories of you...
Haunts.

I wish you were mine, only mine.
And I wish you wanted me to be yours.
I wish we could forget,
All that cannot be,
Except your love for me.
For this I would abandon reality.

Plague

Plague

He walked into my office. Immediately, he stuttered “ I’m ssso..orryy. I didn’t mean to be rude back in the days…”

Cutting his apologies short I spoke in a monotone voice “Please have a seat and tell me how I can help you.” Undeterred he continued “Look, I know what I did was wrong, but you really did not have to keep me waiting so long…” 

I was certain I heard a hint of anger? And again I spoke in that neutral voice so alien to me, “I’m sorry but I did not do that out of spite. I really had some business to take care of. Now, if we could get down to business, maybe I can help.”

Barely half an hour later he left my office, his job secure. In addition he succeeded in stirring up old memories; memories filled with pain, loneliness, rejection.

“Earth to Sarah!” startled I looked up to see Michael grinning at me, his blue eyes brimming with mischief. Tantalizing silky hair cropped over a perfect forehead, up in the air nose, and a stoic determined chin. A frame of suave and polish clung to him at all times. I smiled back, lamely, willing myself to disguise my renewed afflictions. It was pointless, he wouldn't be fooled “Want to talk?”

The smile that spread on my lips then was genuine. He had that effect on me “No, I’m okay. Let’s go. I need to have some serious fun.” Picking up my purse I followed a silent Michael to his car and we were both glad when we reached the restaurant, haunted by our own thoughts, glad to be surrounded, at last, by other colleagues and friends.

I had just started enjoying myself when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around I faced him again. Restraining the throbbing in my head and smiling politely, I shook the hand he proffered, “Hope everything is okay?’

“Yes. And it’s all because of you. Thank you so much.”

“How are Jack and Steve?” I gulped. The tears were threatening. I had to get out! My head bowed, I muttered a harried “excuse me” and fled to the car park. I couldn't stop crying. The tears fell unchecked, unstoppable, stubborn to the core. I was helpless; then as if I saw light, a new sense, buried within me surfaced. Courageously and confidently I walked back into the restaurant and went straight to him, looked him in the eye, took a deep breath and burst forth, “Well, I've finally seen you face to face! you know you hurt me so bad, I've never been able to get over it!” Was it my normally husky voice that sounded shrill and on the verge of panic?I barely heard his muttered apology, when my eyes fell on Jack and Steve. My courage pelted to an all time low…courage? But I continued portraying a confidence I did not have “You should have just told me you didn't want to talk to me…god knows I would have got over that. Instead you…” the tears were streaming down my face again. I felt the warmth of Michael right next to me, “you buried my self-confidence, my self-esteem, self-pride. Everything. I've spent my whole life trying to regain all that and you know what? There’s still a part of me that feels unwanted, a part of me that feels I'm not good enough. You hardly knew me and yet you decided not to talk to me and spurned me. Was I so bad?” my legs felt like jelly. My voice had been reduced to a whisper, pleading and searching. Only Michael’s steadying grip stopped me from falling.

I glanced at him. He had nothing to say. I had not found the answers. I knew I never would. The pain didn't disappear; bitterly I realised it was more prominent than ever. I realised why I had wanted to be friends with them: they were fun nice people and now I had hurt them all - I could see it in their eyes. Their discomfort was no solace to me. I felt rotten “I'm sorry if I made you feel culpable. It’s not your fault.” And I walked away with Michael, preserving the little dignity I had left. I looked up at Michael, my friend. He glanced back not meeting my eyes. I stopped short, “Is something wrong?” my voice was trembling. I was trembling.

“Mmmh…well…I think….you shouldn't have made a fool of yourself. What’s wrong with you? People were watching you. You made a scene. You embarrassed me…it was all so ridiculous!!!” 

I stood rooted to the ground. “You didn’t have to stay with me if I embarrassed you.” It was a fiery statement, said with anger but I felt the evaporation of all my emotions. I’d lost another friend. Friend?

The room dimmed, the crowd seemed out of focus. I picked my handbag and walked out of the restaurant. I walked out and walked home, alone and despondent, as if dead.

Some of my Poetry

Distances

Distancing yourself,

Seeking solitude:

Not for self, but from me.

Yet you say,

"All is well"

But days go by,

And I turmoil within…

Vast fields lie

Between us now.

Fields of abundance

That I tried to conquer

Tried, but failed;

Failed to conquer land,

Failed to capture you.

And so, I meet your silence

With a silence of my own;

Pretentious disinterest lays bare,

Covered am I in a cloak of calmness.

Painless I appear

But scorned am I

Still do I submit

To anything you offer me-

Be it love, dislike, silence, ignorance!-

Merely because it is you who offers it.

Alone

A dream of better times crosses my mind.

Visions of things not yet done creep in,

Urging me on - hurry live your fantasies!

Alas,

Shattered! Barren! Asleep!

Dead are my dreams.

Unable I remain, to live them -

For you perceived my visions with me

And now you no longer stand the sight of me!

Envy

Green, Vivid, Stark

Rippling through my being;

Seeds of doubt penetrate

Unconsciousness steals in

I dwindle by and by,

As I watch you clasp,

What is not mine,

But of another green,

Cheerful and spring-full,

Un-diseased by pettiness,

Pollution free,

Full of life,

Jealousy be damned,

For thus did I fall,

Thus did she live,

Emerald green, mocking

My blistering, burning ochre.

The lie

The room was blanketed in darkness.

I look out the window,

More darkness.

An endless abyss of black,

No promise of light;

I turn away from the

Honest fool.

I close my eyes- and behold:

A glimmer of light!

I chase it through

Forests and mountains

Rivers, seas! My

Smile broadens

The light grows stronger.

My eyes flicker, open;

Darkness envelopes me again.

Ecstasy

Nirvana! I

Awake

To silver and black -

Exotic,

Thrilling,

Tempting.

All around a pool of colour:

A deep and rich

Ethereal music;

Approaching stealthily-

Undaunted:

Full of magic.

Enticing me, and then

Consuming

Mountain, sea, sky and rock.

Dance

A Little About Dance

Dancing: what can I say? I have been in dance class since I was a few days old and been learning since I was three! So, here's some nice stuff to know about my kind of dancing:

Khantaanyat Lambayat Geetam

Hastana Artha Pradakshayat

Chakshubhyam Darshayat Bhavom

Padabhyam Tala Acherait

Yato Hasta Stato Drushti

Yato Drushti Stato Manaha

Yato Manaha Stato Bhavom

Yato Bhavom Stato Rasaha

This means:

Keep the song in your throat

Let your hands bring out the meaning

Your glance should be full of expression

While your feet maintain the rhythm

Where the hand goes, there the eyes should follow

Where the eyes are, the mind should follow

Where the mind is, there the expression should be brought out

Where the expression is, there the rasa or flavour will be experienced (by the audience).

more later...

Mara - A refuge

In a little corner of the world, amidst the dancing sways of green tufts of Savannah, there stands a tree; a single occurrence of an Acacia - in Africa, distinctly called the lone tree. Territorial to the lions, stoic and profound, the lone tree is neither isolated nor alone. It is rather, a sanctuary wild and strong, against the vastness of the great plains; a refuge, a place both calm and beautiful - filled with life. A place that symbolises power, freedom, love, warmth, courage and simplicity - the Savannah: a place that can be all that nature requires it to be. Come, take a look and see if nature can give you what you need!!!