Plague
He walked into my office. Immediately, he stuttered “ I’m ssso..orryy. I didn’t mean to be rude back in the days…”
Cutting his apologies short I spoke in a monotone voice “Please have a seat and tell me how I can help you.” Undeterred he continued “Look, I know what I did was wrong, but you really did not have to keep me waiting so long…”
I was certain I heard a hint of anger? And again I spoke in that neutral voice so alien to me, “I’m sorry but I did not do that out of spite. I really had some business to take care of. Now, if we could get down to business, maybe I can help.”
Barely half an hour later he left my office, his job secure. In addition he succeeded in stirring up old memories; memories filled with pain, loneliness, rejection.
“Earth to Sarah!” startled I looked up to see Michael grinning at me, his blue eyes brimming with mischief. Tantalizing silky hair cropped over a perfect forehead, up in the air nose, and a stoic determined chin. A frame of suave and polish clung to him at all times. I smiled back, lamely, willing myself to disguise my renewed afflictions. It was pointless, he wouldn't be fooled “Want to talk?”
The smile that spread on my lips then was genuine. He had that effect on me “No, I’m okay. Let’s go. I need to have some serious fun.” Picking up my purse I followed a silent Michael to his car and we were both glad when we reached the restaurant, haunted by our own thoughts, glad to be surrounded, at last, by other colleagues and friends.
I had just started enjoying myself when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around I faced him again. Restraining the throbbing in my head and smiling politely, I shook the hand he proffered, “Hope everything is okay?’
“Yes. And it’s all because of you. Thank you so much.”
“How are Jack and Steve?” I gulped. The tears were threatening. I had to get out! My head bowed, I muttered a harried “excuse me” and fled to the car park. I couldn't stop crying. The tears fell unchecked, unstoppable, stubborn to the core. I was helpless; then as if I saw light, a new sense, buried within me surfaced. Courageously and confidently I walked back into the restaurant and went straight to him, looked him in the eye, took a deep breath and burst forth, “Well, I've finally seen you face to face! you know you hurt me so bad, I've never been able to get over it!” Was it my normally husky voice that sounded shrill and on the verge of panic?I barely heard his muttered apology, when my eyes fell on Jack and Steve. My courage pelted to an all time low…courage? But I continued portraying a confidence I did not have “You should have just told me you didn't want to talk to me…god knows I would have got over that. Instead you…” the tears were streaming down my face again. I felt the warmth of Michael right next to me, “you buried my self-confidence, my self-esteem, self-pride. Everything. I've spent my whole life trying to regain all that and you know what? There’s still a part of me that feels unwanted, a part of me that feels I'm not good enough. You hardly knew me and yet you decided not to talk to me and spurned me. Was I so bad?” my legs felt like jelly. My voice had been reduced to a whisper, pleading and searching. Only Michael’s steadying grip stopped me from falling.
I glanced at him. He had nothing to say. I had not found the answers. I knew I never would. The pain didn't disappear; bitterly I realised it was more prominent than ever. I realised why I had wanted to be friends with them: they were fun nice people and now I had hurt them all - I could see it in their eyes. Their discomfort was no solace to me. I felt rotten “I'm sorry if I made you feel culpable. It’s not your fault.” And I walked away with Michael, preserving the little dignity I had left. I looked up at Michael, my friend. He glanced back not meeting my eyes. I stopped short, “Is something wrong?” my voice was trembling. I was trembling.
“Mmmh…well…I think….you shouldn't have made a fool of yourself. What’s wrong with you? People were watching you. You made a scene. You embarrassed me…it was all so ridiculous!!!”
I stood rooted to the ground. “You didn’t have to stay with me if I embarrassed you.” It was a fiery statement, said with anger but I felt the evaporation of all my emotions. I’d lost another friend. Friend?
The room dimmed, the crowd seemed out of focus. I picked my handbag and walked out of the restaurant. I walked out and walked home, alone and despondent, as if dead.
