Drifting on a lonely sea...

My heart begins to race any time

A sound escapes my phone -

From excitement and hope, 

Anxiety and dread.

My heart begins to race any time 

I dream of us together,

And then reality comes in, an unwelcome guest

Leaving me forsaken - dead alone.

My heart begins to race any time

I think of life-happy with you,

And nearly stops in sadness,

For this may never be the life I know

My heart races every time

And slowly, it quietens down.

The sound from my phone, 

Is never yours;

That dream I have of happiness, 

Slips from my grasp and drifts afar;

Life as it should be

Is but dust at my feet.

My heart is numb and no longer alive -

Unaware of life,

Unaware of us.

Passion & Drive - Random thoughts

Lately, I've been thinking about these words - passion and drive, and amazing possibilities swim before me. Who would've thought that two simple words can have so much potential?

But, that's just what it is - an appetising bowl, full of dreams and hopes coming to fruition. Think about that clear, sunny day with clear, blue skies and the excitement of a nice drive along green pastures and elegant trees. You stop near this hill, surrounded by the smell of wild grass, and have an impromptu picnic - and out comes the passion fruit - golden and orange, a promise of sweet goodness inside. You happily break the fruit into half and suck at the juicy pulp inside, cooling your insides with a remarkable taste of freshness! Who would've thought that passion can be so rewarding?

While you stretch yourself on your picnic mat and look up into the sky, drifting thoughts fill your mind. How often do you hear the clichéd advice, about doing what you love and being passionate about your work in order to achieve success? It is quite obvious that where there is passion and drive, success will follow. The question is, what happens to those people who have a job and do it to their best ability, but are not passionate about it? Do we write them off as failures, or brush them aside as people who will never attain greatness in what they do? Should we recommend that they forge ahead and find something else to do - something they can display passion for and have a drive to excel in? Is there a single formula that can work for everyone?

I think not. Sometimes, passion and drive do not necessarily come from loving what you do, but from love of something else. A parent will work at the most miserable of jobs, so he/she can give their child all things possible. The happiness in her/his child's eyes is their drive, the smile spreading on the lips of dear ones, their passion! That is only one example. I am sure we have all met people who are brilliant at something, but are almost struggling through life - working at a job they don't like or are not brilliant at. What of it? We shake our heads at them and think, if only they would try their hand at this - fame, fortune, wisdom - it would all be theirs. But do we really understand? Perhaps, satisfaction in something else entirely is their passion and drive!

Thoughts drift again...passion. What a tantalizing word - and then you add drive to it and there you have it again: a sumptuous coming together of things. What drives us to passion - the more carnal and intimate longing? Is it lust, or is it love? Is it the culmination of both? the breaking open of that passion fruit to satiate our thirst for wholesome sweetness? That sweet pleasure of kissing that person just a little while longer and with an extra serving of zeal? The promise of oneness - a celebration of all your dreams and hopes coming together for treasured moments of complete love - is perhaps what drives us to passion of any kind, after all

The sun begins its descent...and you pack up your little impromptu picnic things. Time to head back to the car and the pleasant drive home - with a little, orange coloured, passion temptingly peeking on the seat next to yours...

This one is for the ellis!

Tumaini – My Hope for Earth

It is a round world after all! And you can't walk to the ends of the earth and fall over – rather difficult to believe, as you look at eternity from the edge of a hill, into an abyss of green and brown; trees and hard rock. You skid, stumble and grip air to halt your fall, watching as the tiny rocks at your feet, disappear down into oblivion.

“Bump!”, you land on your behind. The vacant expression on your face is gradually replaced by a concoction of confusion, realisation, panic and relief, as you turn away from the edge. There is a flash of a camera and you know your comical look will soon be plastered and viewed across the world on too many social media sites. 

Cautiously, you attempt to stand and move further away from what could have been the world's infamous edge (which no longer lives to its treacherous reputation) and meet the concerned but laughing faces of fellow adventurers.

You sit down and slowly, as you sip on some water and make sure your precious camera is not damaged, a certain normalcy returns: your fingers stop trembling, your feet come alive from their dead-log stupor, you believe in science again and manage to put aside questions about the gravity of the situation.

I look at the craggy drop, barely an inch away from me, and nestle closer to the rock I am hiding behind. How different things look now, from back then. In-fact, the drop below is almost comforting. The people after me will kill me and worse still, the death they offer me will be more painful than what awaits me at the bottom – if there is one – of this fall. I make up my mind: if they find me I will jump.

My one hope is that I have learnt how to cover my tracks – I still have a chance of staying undiscovered. But, even if I stay hidden from them now, would I make it through the night? This isn't exactly a safe haven. I stubbornly contain my anxiety and hopelessly check my phone for connectivity - Murphy's Law is a bitch - my phone battery is dead. I crouch deeper into the earth wishing it would swallow me up, continually grateful for the cloud cover that prevents me from creating enemy shadows.

I stay dead-still as I hear their voices and sense the threat in their foreign words. I have good reason to be terrified. I have seen these men kill. I have seen them slaughter innocent creatures: commit murder more than once. These men are dangerous and they are cowardly. They attack unfairly and kill an unarmed, innocent enemy. I am ashamed to know they are human and therefore kin. I am proud that I have captured their crimes on my camera. I am petrified that I may not be able to expose them - aggrieved that I was helpless to stop them. 

Over the last year, I have spent alternate weekends in this beautiful landscape. My camera (nothing fancy – just a small digital friend), backpack and food are my only companions. There is a consummate sense of peace amidst these lush hills and listening to the river flowing, unmoved by my presence or lack of it, is surprisingly comforting. Who would believe that such muddy waters could look so beautiful? It is beautiful and is made even more breath-taking as I catch a glimpse of big swaying ears, gliding to and fro; smaller, giant feet come into view and graceful trunks playfully dip, pick and spray water everywhere. Every herd I see as precious as the previous one; I can watch these elephants forever. 

How grand! How magical! How tranquil - I remember that feeling now and watch as the killers pass me. I dare not breathe and send silent thank you messages to a God I have never prayed to. I watch as dark clouds turn ominous, and one by one, heavy rain drops cover the earth around me. I tuck in my knees and hug my backpack, protecting it best as I can, as I cower in the downpour. 

Camouflaged behind the shrubs, I see the ripple of grass ahead and it attracts my attention simply because it seems out of place. I doubt a human eye could spot me and I feel proud as I dwell on that. It's the impossible shriek that stirs me out of my self appreciative thoughts. I look ahead to see the herd in chaotic movement and there is another nightmarish cry as one of the bigger elephants falls lifeless to the ground. I am stunned. A pride must have attacked the herd - As horrific and rare as this is, it is the first possibility to strike me. I snatch my camera and rapidly capture photos. I cannot stop as the scene ahead of me unfolds. I am numb and feel the tears roll down my face. I hear a scream coming down from somewhere in the pit of my stomach; I do not understand how I have contained it. 

The rain has finally stopped and I stand up. The rain was a blessing in disguise but I know I must leave here immediately. I turn eastwards; I will make my way to the lodge and from there, to Nairobi. I am not naive and know the chances of escape are low. I do not know where these men or their spies lurk, but this plan is my only hope! I look up and see the first star appear, as I take my first step towards help and away from the destruction I had witnessed.

Time has stopped. I am unable to take more photos. I can see and smell the vomit next to me and make a futile attempt to move away. A more powerful and permanent smell starts to fill my nostrils - blood. I watch the men, their faces imprinted in my mind, carry the ivory they have hacked off my jumbos to the Land Rover. I see their guns, their machetes. They are unfazed by the horrific sights they have created. I yearn to look away, I cannot. None of the herd has escaped. The big tuskers had no chance and the others have been slaughtered, as they bravely tried to protect each other. I have never seen such devastation. I must help – and yet I am unable to move. I do not know what to do: ahead of me are endless beheaded figures, around me bandits who will kill me. I see them picking the last of their stash now and uncaring, they begin their exit. 

I knew it was a mistake to move. It was that slight movement, yonder, that decided me. I wasn’t sure if my eyes had been playing tricks on me. Then it was there again, a plaintive movement: It was a baby, alive and wailing next to its decapitated mother. I crawled out from behind the shrub and as the Land Rover began to drive away, I pressed onward. I must help – it was the only thought I had. I got closer and saw tears run down its normally smiling face. I had watched this herd for days and knew this baby calf. I had seen her come to life. She is patchy with her mother's blood now and distressed. I am almost next to her. I hear the car and turn around; I am not sure why they are back. All I know is that I have to get away. There is a great deal of shouting as they see me. I push the little calf down as hard as I can, crying, hoping she would understand that she should not move. The massacre around me is what saves me. The car cannot pass through and by the time these heartless men are on their feet I have retreated into the thicket. I run hard and pay no heed to the scratches on my body. I frantically try and keep a sense of direction. I know I must try and reach people. These cowards would not harm me in front of others and risk exposure – would they? I keep going. I hear them sometimes, as the tears continue streaming down my face – It is the sickness of it all. Seeing this carnage has left me broken - fast and completely. I stumble on and reach the edge of a hill and see the rock. It is my time to hide. It is my time to do anything I can to show the world that these men deserve punishment – that they deserve death.

It is barely eight hours later. I am being followed. I do not slow down,and maintain my course, close to the main path. The presence behind me doesn't feel harmful – It is in harmony with the sounds of insects and birds surrounding me. There is no moonlight and my progress is slow, but I am hopeful and happy not to have met any lions or leopards (I am unprepared for more adventure). I curse my stupid thoughts of hope as I spy two amber eyes and then four and then too many to count. They are right here - I have walked into a pride. I am tired and scared– what was I to do? I crumple, gracelessly to the ground

There is a movement. I see the silhouette of a lioness stand and walk towards me, pausing and analyzing me – am I a threat? Am I a meal? I catch the swish of her tail. I wish she would understand that I am in trouble and that I must take my photos away from here. I am here to help. I watch her approach and try to maintain eye contact. I can feel her move towards me – the pride behind her are alert. Then, I feel it on my shoulder and I struggle to keep my composure. I am pushed aside, albeit gently, as the lioness steps back and turns away, shrugging off her interest in me with supine haughtiness.

I know we don't have much time before the pride realises that the calf is alone. And in a beautiful moment I realise she isn't alone: she has me and I have her. Perhaps, she does know, in her own sense, that I want to help. I gather myself together and move to the open road with renewed belief. I walk quickly with Tumaini (Hope, as I have named her) by my side. Her sorrow is obvious from the tears still running down her face, her head is drooping and that ever present hint of a smile – so part of an elephant - is missing. But her walk is steady and determined, and we press on.

It has been three months from that day now and I am at the lodge again. I still have trouble sleeping. I will never be the same. There are camera men and journalists around me. My pictures and story have been published on a special edition of National Geographic. I have exposed the murderers: four of them are now in prison. The park has more patrols, and elephant herds here are now protected by rangers, day and night. It is a very small victory considering the massive problem. I am not proud; I am barely moved. But I am humbled, and I am glad I have a small victory to help me do more. Mostly, I am privileged to have a new friend – I look up and see Tumaini, lingering at the edge of the lodge. Her new family begins to walk majestically away but she is looking at me and raises her trunk. I look into her eyes. It is a promise we have made together– a promise to help in any small way!

A Lighter's Willow

“We must go! Oh, how can we not?” Cassa looked desperately at her people as she pleaded, “We cannot miss the Light Willow Ceremony. Don't you see?”

“Cassa, we know that the ceremony is tomorrow but we must not risk leaving here – the enemy will invade our home and destroy it all.” Altur was sure of this and was trying to make Cassa see that their home needed protection.

“If we stay then all of these lands will perish. We will be responsible for that. Our selfishness to protect that which we love will destroy everything. As your leader, I have spoken – We will travel to the heart of Willow Land and be the light for all these lands. If we fail to do this – if we fail to go to the Light Willow Ceremony, and fail in our duty, we will bring about the end of the magic: magic of our own and magic in everyone around us.”

Altur was shaken by the sound of doom and finality in his wife's declaration. He looked into Cassa's blue eyes, hoping to see a sign of hope. In their twenty years of marriage, he had never been opposed, as strongly, to her choices. The weight of this was fast becoming impossible to bear. He approached his wife and held her soft fingers in his. There would be time, later, to convince her that this was madness. For now, he would stand by her and guide their people by her side – he would not forsake her.

Cassa felt Altur's reassuring grip on her hand and felt a sigh escape her. She felt no joy in forsaking her home, but the vision had been clear. Ferntress had also sent a warning. This was the reason Cassa had been born; she knew it with a blinding certainty. “Prepare yourselves! We leave for Willow Land at dawn.” 

Tears brimmed her steel eyes as she watched the other Lighters sombrely moving out of Willow Hall. From the window to her right, she could see her homeland and the dancing, merry lights shining through all the willow trees. Each willow stood proud and tall, houses and centres carved within its hollows. The design of each home was different, intricate details carved by the Lighters themselves. Stain glass paintings decorated the window panes that were made out of pure shimmer – which looked like and behaved like glass, but with magic. Shimmer protected the Lighters and the willows they lived in. It was made of the purest of waters; magic waters only Lighters could find. Shimmer was bright blue and speckled with star-like glitter and yet when you looked through it, it was crystal clear. Shimmer and the lights were what made this land so beautiful. Lights of all colours and shapes (leaves, trees, butterflies, stars – anything with life!) Each light could take on any colour and at times the lights would change colour as if by will to make everything more beautiful. Ferntress used to tell Cassa that the Lighters were as beautiful as their land and as Cassa looked at her people returning to their willows, she knew it was true.

The Lighters were distant relatives of the light fairies and the resemblance was vivid. The men were lean and stood at about two feet high. Altur was the tallest Lighter ever known at two and a half feet. The women were shorter and curvaceous. Lighters had hair the colour of sunshine and eyes the colour of bright blue skies. It was their wings, though, that made the Lighters resplendent. Each Lighter's wings were unique and took on their owner's personality: Altur's were golden and as they moved you could see the shape of a golden, majestic lion – shades of golden yellow and brown came together fascinatingly, evoking visions of a lion protecting its pride. Cassa's wings were heart shaped and rainbow coloured. The edges were tinted by a dizzying number of colours – black, white, gold, silver, amber and more. The heart shape and colour were reflective of the source of life. Other Lighters' wings comprised of flowers, trees, hills, some had written poetry and each depicted the Lighter's own core or skill. 

“Come Cassa, we must prepare to leave.” Altur couldn't help the hint of bitterness in his voice. 

“Altur, please hear me. My vision is clear. If we fail to bring the Grand Willow to life, the ceremony will fail and so will our magic. Our home will never be the same. We may save some of it, but the lights will die. Altur, I need you to help me with your heart. Please do not hate me.”

Altur looked at Cassa and understood that perhaps his sense of loss was blinding him. It hurt him beyond measure that they would lose their home; yet home without the lights was not home. “Cassa, forgive me. My selfishness has cost us time and caused us pain.” Placing his hand on Cassa's heart, he continued, “My life and light are yours to guide and share. We will light the Grand Willow. We will sacrifice our home so magic will live. It will be done as you say.”

Tears poured freely down Cassa's face. Laying her hand over his, she reached up and gave him a lingering kiss, “Together then, let us go onward.”

As dawn approached, Altur and Cassa watched as all the Lighters gathered together. Proud of their courage, Cassa began their journey song as they stepped out of Willow Heart and towards their destiny. Willow Light lay west and about half a day's journey away allowing a few brief stops for rest. 

The Lighters carried on with their journey, forsaking their sorrow and following their leader. A sort of merriment filled their hearts – for they loved to travel. Altur and Cassa alone were aware of the sense of darkness in their surroundings. Where there had been light there was an eerie greyness. Cassa urged her people onward, hastening their progress away from the gloom and wanting to ensure that they would be on time.

It was high noon when they reached Willow Light. Unnatural rain, snow and an evil wind had slowed them down and Ferntress sighed in relief as she saw them approach the Grand Willow, where she was waiting for them. “Come dear ones. There is no time to lose. We must begin the ceremony.”

Cassa looked at Ferntress and beyond, “Where is everyone? We will wait for them so they may watch.”

Ferntress shook her head in sorrow, “They will not come. It is only us who are here. Many are scared, others have perished and more still cannot make it past the evil.”

“But...”

“Come Cassa, let us not lose heart now. We will triumph yet.” Altur grasped her hand and gave it a gentle but firm squeeze. 

“Cassa, Altur, we must begin. If you do this you must know that you sacrifice your home – will you still light the Grand Willow?”

Cassa took a deep breath and turned to her people, “Lighters, we have been called. Light up your souls, forget your sorrows. Bring forth the magic – bring forth the light. Let our light be the light of magic. Let our loss be the gain of others. Let our tears bring laughter. Go forth, Lighters!” 

Even as she spoke the words, Cassa felt the light dying in Willow Heart and tears drowned her face as she saw her vision come to life. This would be the end of her people, but at least the rest of Willow Land would be safe. She looked towards Ferntress felt her sorrow and saw her resolve. She sought Altur's eyes and knew instinctively that he felt the light dying as well. 

“The ceremony will go on,” she vowed quietly and together Altur and Cassa flew around the Grand Willow, in spirals. Sparkled dust ran down the bark as they moved. The leaves turned golden, the Willow's bark was alight in a bronze glitter. The Lighters moved into a formation of a tree with a flower inside and a heart within the flower. In a single motion they flew higher, maintaining the formation, over the tree, protecting it and conferring it with their light. Cassa and Altur flew into the centre of the heart. The few spectators below were solemn and in awe of the beautiful sight. The lights were dazzling, and the Grand Willow itself seemed to be alive – a golden light was spreading through its roots and diffusing a sense of joy. Eerie lights that had take residence in the area around them, were disappearing. It was life beginning anew. Ferntress laughed her golden laugh again and the river beyond gurgled in unison. 

Cassa watched as all of Willow Land was encompassed in their light. She could see the evil move away. She saw laughter and fearlessness return to the land. She felt the joy of life as she spun her light with Altur's. She needed to hold on for just a while longer. She looked at her people and through their song, sent them love and gratitude. She looked at Altur and silently told him she loved him more than life itself. She saw again, her vision. 

It was time. She couldn't save their home but she would save her people. Quickly she gathered her essence and sough the presence of the evil. She wove her light and trapped the soul of the enemy in Willow Heart, her home. It pained her to have that evil in her home land, but it was inevitable. Only there, with the magic of their lights, their ancestry and the shimmer could the evil be contained. With quickening pace, Cassa summoned all her light and sent it forth from Willow Land to Willow Heart and barred the evil in a light prison it could not escape. She felt the light escape her soul and sank towards the earth. The Lighters' song had ended, but the Lighters themselves were alight and alive! She had saved them. She felt Altur's hand hold her before she hit the earth – he was safe too. She looked at him smiling, as her eyes closed. 

Altur watched her smile. She had saved them. He didn’t know how, but knew it had cost her her life. The sorrow he felt was beyond him. He felt dead, alive. He heard her last message in her smile and heard his voice speak words that were his, but not his, “ Lighters arise! Lighters awaken! Lighters alight! The evil has been contained. The shimmers and a prison of light hold it in Willow Heart. Our home is lost to us, but our magic and light are with us still. Cassa, sends us this gift. Homeless we are but gifted we remain.” He could say no more. He knew he must lead his people but did not know how. Around him, Lighters were mourning as he held on tightly to Cassa. 

“There is hope yet, brave one.” It was Ferntress. “Cassa, will live again.”

Altur looked up, hope threatening to surface. He said nothing, just waited to hear more from their friend.

“Altur, we have much to do. For now, Willow Land is safe and my people and the Lighters will take care of all the tasks at hand. We must journey.” 

Altur couldn't move. He wouldn't leave his wife. 

“Look carefully Altur, there is yet a spark in her soul. Let her rest. We will bring her the Heart of Willow from yonder. Make haste, lest we cannot help her.”

Altur looked at Cassa and the smile on her tranquil face. He laid her gently at the base of the Grand Willow. He magicked a shrine of light around her to protect her. He would journey, forever if that was what it took, to light that one spark that remained in her. To light her life – and his. 

Relax, you’ve got a friend

About a year ago, I saw an advertisement with the phrase “Relax, you’ve got a friend” which on its own is a decent catch line. Add to this, a visual of a determined and solemn looking girl making her way against the backdrop of a few green hills. On her back she is carrying a smaller, rosy cheeked, and chubby girl who is resting her head against the older girl's back. The piggy-back traveller has her eyes shut displaying a complete satisfaction with her helper, as if aware that she is in safe hands. Now, you have a winner!

The advertisement always strikes a chord with me, perhaps because it brings back memories of a similar feeling, of being taken care of. Picture a cosy bed with blankets and pillows neatly arranged, and a small baby girl – barely a year old, right at the middle of it. Dressed in a baby-pink frock, lying on her back, her tiny toed feet and legs curl forming a diamond shape. A mischievous almost-smile touches her lips as she stretches her dimpled, soft hands towards the gentle and curious hands that reach out for her. Next to her, propped on a pillow is a taller, four-year old girl. She has big, fawn eyes, well defined lips for her age, and an expression of confidence, as she clasps the hand that has groped hers in a tight clutch. She leans over and tests the smile on her baby sisters face by tickling her. A gurgling flow of laughter rumbles out of the babe. Delighted, she hugs the baby and plants a kiss against her cheek, her curly hair tumbling over in laughter. In a moment she moves back, ever caring and resumes her role as observer and protector.

Several years later, the younger sister is on stage for a dance competition. She is excited but nervous. The judge and crowds look at her - some expectantly, some dismissively. Her eyes rove, as she introduces her piece, and come to rest at a pair of big, brown eyes. They are smiling at her, encouraging and promising that all will be well: a little comfort for the little, troubled soul. And then disappointment at loss, and yet there next to her is that strong hand holding her hand again. A soft voice explaining that some more effort next time will make her better. A reassuring “it's okay,” making it clear that loss doesn't indicate failure – an explanation that is followed by a promise of help and a smile on both faces.

Another visual: The young girl is devastated, her sister is weeping. A feeling of despair awakens in her. She approaches the tearful, round eyes that have hidden themselves under a pair of delicate hands. She prods her sister willing her to look up. There is no response. The young girl knows she is the reason her sister is sad. She turns her gaze towards the book she has just torn in a fit of rage; her sisters favourite book and she is so sorry. She approaches her sister again and pats her head as she says sorry. Angry and reproachful her sister looks up and sees her making attempts to fix the book. They are both laughing in a few minutes. All is well in the world.

Times of playing tricks together, dancing together, playing together. Times together and times apart but a surety that that hand will always be there to guide and hold as required to cherish and love all the time. A real life feeling of relax, you’ve got a sister!

Riding the Bullet

"Riding the bullet” – a simple phrase that calls to mind the horror novel by Stephen King. And yet, it offers another perspective, a little less nightmarish and just as exciting. Yes, I’m talking about riding the bullet - a Royal Enfield Bullet.

Feel the thump; ride the wind; kick to start, start to ride, ride to live, and live to ride- these phrases can only have special meaning to a true rider. So what sets apart regular motor bikers and the die hard riders?

Harish Kavirajan is a true rider. His first ride was on a Java, way back in 1983. A young man’s few rides have now transformed and matured into a passionate lifestyle and hobby. Harish's journey, from the Czech Java to Royal Enfield Bullets, has been interspersed with various other bikes, including scooters (a Lambretta, a Vespa , and a Vijay super), a Honda CB600 and a Yamaha RX135. In 2002, Royal Enfield stamped its mark on his riding career, with a 350cc Thunderbird. Royal Enfield’s robust technology that goes back to the 1940s, and its uniqueness as the only bike in the world with a 500cc single cylinder engine, form the basis for its alluring qualities. Unlike Harley Davidsons, Bullets are readily available in the Indian market and are not gas guzzlers, adding to their appeal. It is no wonder then that the Thunderbird, an A500cc Cast Iron, an A500 LB Machismo, an A350 Machismo and two Lightning 535s are prominent in Harish's motor bike portfolio.


The A500 Machismo
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, Leh 2000


The 500cc Cast Iron
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, Leh 2000


The Two Lightning 535s
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, Leh 2000

For Harish, the preference of biking to other means of travel lies in simple concepts: "cars are boring, the bus is crowded, trucks are too big for one person, and mopeds are for girls." On a more serious note, Harish believes travelling on a bike is special – “the speed, the wind, the freedom” of a bike ride is consummate, its low fuel consumption only adds to its appeal. Harish iterates that with a bike ride the advantage of navigating through traffic, especially on narrow roads and lanes, is not only convenient but provides a chance for “off-roading” and of course, "a guy on a great looking bike is always bound to get a fair maiden’s attention!"

On average, Harish spends four hours a week on maintaining his bike. These four hours ensure that the bike is clean and any repairs or faults are fixed. For someone who has spent numerous years embracing bikes, designing his own custom bike was the next big step and the A350 Machismo is his stepping stone into customizing a bike – with work being put into the suspension, handling, performance and luggage carrying areas

The Custom A350 Machismo
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, 2010


Riding the A350
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, 2010

After a quick chat with Harish, about bikes and his experience with them, the obvious questions of favourite ride and a favourite bike pop up, and it's no surprise that the answers to these questions are Leh and (less obviously, for those who are not familiar with it) the Royal Enfield Cast Iron 500. Harish has biked to Leh three times, but the first time claims top prize in being special in every way and perhaps also because it was the Cast Iron he rode.


Harish Leh 2000
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, Leh 2000


The Bikers crew
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, Leh 2000


The 500cc cast iron against the backdrop of mountains
photo courtesy of Harish Kavirajan, Leh 2000

Harish’s passion for riding sets him apart from other riders because it is now a natural part of his life. As a member of the Lightning 535 club (an elite club for owners of Lightning 535 bullets), Harish is part of a group of riders who regularly bike to various destinations, over select weekends. He is currently also a partner and member of Just4Rides (www.just4rides.com), a company that specialises in tours, on Royal Enfield Bullets, to different parts of India, hoping to let the riders experience the adventures of a lifetime. Riding offers Harish a way to express personality - be it through the style of riding, the sound of the bike or simply the way the bike is decked. It would be sufficient to say that a bike ride is a ride that offers perfection!

The Highway, or the Greenway

Green has always been one of my favourite colours. The hues and shades it offers stand out in any environment- ocean, mountain, savannah or forest…and despite the odds even in the city.

It’s interesting though that many people today do not understand the value of a green environment. Appreciation for its beauty, scientific and natural value seems to thin out by the minute. The sacrifice of nature and wildlife for human “development”, greed and dirty politics is progressing at such great pace that emaciated flora and fauna is the grim future that awaits us. Over the years East Africa has been at the forefront of environmental disasters. The Mau forest and Nairobi city itself are stark examples of things going awry. Not surprisingly a UNESCO world heritage site is now under threat- The Serengeti National Park. A controversial highway is set to be built through the national park cutting across the migratory paths of approximately two million wildebeest that cross over from the Serengeti to the Maasai Mara in search of food. This annual spectacle is one of the natural wonders of the world and plays a major role in the tourism and economic industries of both Kenya and Tanzania.

This isn’t the first threat that the Serengeti has faced but perhaps it is the most dangerous. The Tanzanian president, Mr. Kikwete has approved the plan to build a non-paved highway through the Serengeti national park dismissing world outrage and concern along with Nyerere doctrines as baseless. The Environment Impact assessment for his decision must be one of the worst in EIA history and offers no realistic solutions to the impact of the proposed highway. Development for any country is important but development must make sense in the long run as well. Naturalists and Environmentalists have shown that an alternate route – the southern route is a viable and more profitable solution. So why is the government of Tanzania still persisting on building the Serengeti highway? Three critical reasons come to mind,

1. Mining interests in the region

2. Ensuring a campaign promise made in 2005 is fulfilled and that the road will win more votes by easing the transport requirements of businesses by linking Musumba and Arusha.

3. Asserting government power by defying world recommendation

But the above three reasons are not justification enough to call forth a long term catastrophe.

A road through the National park is bound to increase the animal road kills. Roads to Mikumi National park in Zambia(5000 animal deaths per year), Tsavo (over 100 species per day) and even Bandipur in India (where animal road kills are said to exceed the poaching numbers) are just a few examples of where roads have lead to serious loss of animal life due to accidents. Many of you are familiar with the Maasai Mara. The July-September season is migration time and the pathways and roads through the park are heavily populated by wildebeest and zebra. Recently I got the chance to see this spectacle, and the thought of heavy commercial trucks through this site was more than horrifying. One combi can manage to kill atleast three of these animals in every herd. Now just imagine twenty to thirty trucks driving on a single stretch of road that has thousands of wildebeests’ crossing...I see blood. I see death.

Earlier this year Tanzania saw its proposal to sell off ivory revoked at the CITES meeting. Tanzania already has a problem, a growing problem, with poaching. A highway is a sure way of easing access for poachers and game hunters to their prey. The ease of transporting poacher’s loot will simply act as a catalyst for quick hauls and increase security problems in the region.

If the Tanzanian people are to benefit from the project, the southern route will serve five times the number of people (2,278,000 vs. 431,000). The southern route already has the infrastructure to support such a construction (fuel, lodging and so on) and can utilize existing roads reducing the cost of the entire project. The road is also likely to attract more donor-funding and has the greatest advantage of not interfering with the Serengeti ecosystem.

The increased pressure on the eco-system and natural habitat will eventually have a global impact. Increased infrastructure and agriculture in the area is bound to affect weather patterns, food cycles and the order of things radically.

The Serengeti National park, as a UNESCO world heritage site and as part of the seven world’s natural wonders, provides Tanzania with marketing for its country and boosts its tourism industry. Destroying this will definitely lead to a fall in the reputation of the country and worse still a boycott of tourism in the region resulting in a serious and detrimental loss of revenue for Tanzania and Kenya.

Human-wildlife conflict is such a clichéd phrase in this age and time simply because it is a very real and common problem, especially for us in Africa and in India where we have such diverse eco-systems. A commercial road through this area will increase this conflict. Settlements and an increasing human presence in the area, along with constructions of human amenities and an increase in noise and pollution will unnerve animals and could lead to attacks from both sides. As the animals cross through human populated areas any damage will result in a deterioration of the co-habitance

The above are only some of the reasons why the highway is a bad idea. Many of you reading this might wonder why a highway in some remote place in Tanzania should be of importance to you. Stop wondering. This road is, perhaps later than sooner, going to affect you. A reduction in tourism in East Africa, an increase in the crime rate through poaching, an increase in pollution, a dictatorial like regime and a loss of reputation is only the beginning of the problems the highway spearheads.

Green is not only one of my favourite colours it is also a colour that symbolizes new things and life. Imagine a future where you cannot breathe fresh air, a future where you cannot go on a safari, a future where research is restricted, a future where breathing would be stifling.

To quote his holiness the Dalai Lama, “Peace and the survival of life on earth as we know it are threatened by human activities that lack a commitment to humanitarian values. Destruction of nature and natural resources results from ignorance, greed and lack of respect for the earths’ living things.” It is time to end this war with nature. As a resident of East Africa and the world, take a stand and say YES to the greenway… and to life!

Kindly sign the petition to stop the highway

http://www.change.org/petitions/view/stop_the_serengeti_highway

for more information http://www.savetheserengeti.org

The Serengeti Highway

Over the last month or so there has been a growing interest on Africa, with focus on the world cup, and of course the highly controversial Serengeti highway.

The world cup has come and gone having enjoyed the attention of the world at large. The proposed Serengeti Highway and the consequences that are bound to follow such a construction are here to stay and should be of major concern to the people of Tanzania, East Africa, and the rest of the world.

The Serengeti National Park is a UNESCO world heritage site. It is home to vast species of fauna and hosts approximately seventy larger mammal species. It provides an ecosystem whose diversity cannot be matched. 

The Serengeti National park in its entirety is under threat.

News of the proposed Serengeti highway is sparking outrage around the world. The highway that is meant to connect Arusha and Musumba is a fulfilment of a political campaign promise. This highway, officials argue will run through the northern part of the Serengeti and will not disrupt the annual wildebeest migration to and from the Maasai Mara. Officials continue saying that the road will provide residents along the area with much needed development and offer great benefits. Ministers have been quoted in various articles stating that studies and research have been conducted and there will be no impact on the wildlife. The results of the same studies are nowhere to be seen.

Conservationists and environmentalists, on the other hand, have been able to show how the proposed highway will definitely impact the migration, the ecosystem and in the long run a whole lot more.

As a concerned resident of East Africa and as someone who has watched the migration and been to the Maasai Mara, there are numerous thoughts that come to mind.

- An intrusion into wildlife conserved space is bound to increase the already fragile balance between humans and wildlife. Human-wildlife conflict is already a grave concern. Further encroachment on free land will mean an increase in this conflict (which is already a great strain on any environmental institute or organization – governmental or non-governmental). Can the Tanzanian & Kenyan governments handle this increase and maintain their tourist incomes?

- It seems very likely that if this highway is built, more governments in the region, continent and perhaps the world will go ahead and have infrastructures built within national reserves, game parks and even sanctuaries. Are we then going to wipe out entire species? This seems very likely and if it comes into play, we are looking at a decline in tourism, a decline in research and scientific activity in the area, a decline in avenues for medical and other research, a loss of knowledge for us and future generations, and a complete mess of food cycles and ecosystems.

- Tanzania already has a problem with poaching. Can the government proposing the highway give the world a guarantee that the road will not increase the ease with which animals - the “endangered African elephant” especially - will be poached. Poachers are sure to have easier access into the game park and a much easier way to transport out their “loot”. Is this highway then a path to increasing illegal activities such as poaching? A standard example is the Nairobi- Mombasa highway that cuts through Tsavo East and Tsavo West National Parks. The highway and development around it allows poachers and game meat hunters to regularly attack vulnerable animals in the area including the endangered African elephant.

- Arguments that the wildebeest and other migratory animals can still cross a road appear childish. Take for example, a migratory group that stretches a 30KM path – how many cars on the highway will wait for the animals to cross over? How long will they wait? Can the studies and research that have apparently been carried out make a clear statement on the animal road kills that are likely to occur? Statistics from studies done on the Tanzania-Zambia highway that crosses the Mikumi National Park shows that road deaths of animals was estimated at 21•8 road kills per kilometer,per year, once the highway was laid out. Using these figures, we are looking at approximately 5000 deaths per year on a 400 Km highway, by road kills alone. The migratory patterns of these animals is sure to change. Animals are human, noise and pollution shy and with the development of a highway, all three of these factors will be on an increase - human influx, noise from the traffic and pollution from vehicles traversing the road will pronounce, sooner than later, an end to the greatest migration spectacle of the world.

- Garbage. The word may sound trivial but its impact is extremely poisonous. As the number of users on the proposed highway increases, the likelihood of garbage finding itself around the area, is a guarantee. A standard example is the Nairobi National park. The effects of the development in the Kitengela area is pronounced: fewer animal are seen on that end of the park and familiar sites of plastic bags and cartons can be seen flitting across the Savannah. How is the government proposing to handle this potential garbage menace? What impact will the garbage have on animal populations?

The above are perhaps a few of the numerous impacts of the highway. This is a call to East African Governments, The Tanzanian People, All tourist boards and companies and the people of the world to ensure that the Tanzanian Government opts for the alternate route for this highway that passes south of the Serengeti. This route apart from benefiting more people will also remove the pressures from a highly vulnerable ecosystem. I ask that,

- The Tanzanian Government unwaveringly stand by its pledge and signed mandate to protect the UNESCO World Heritage Site and take whatever measures are necessary to stop the highway encroaching on Serengeti space. As the extract below shows:

The United Republic of TANZANIA ratified the UNESCO WORLD HERITAGE CONVENTION on 02 August 1977. This Convention lays down the legal requirements for status, recognition and obligations in respect of WORLD HERITAGE SITES.

TANZANIA, through its government, not only VIOLATES such a significant global 'convention', ...but it also VIOLATES it's own national obligations, as a member of the UNITED NATIONS, by NOT adhering to that organization's charters, treaties and conventions of all related bodies (such as UNESCO) to which TANZANIA is a committed signatory.

- All Tourist Boards and Companies to exert pressure along with their voice of protest to the government of Tanzania. The loss of this park is going to make a dramatic difference and a negative one to tourism and the country's reputation. The highway will also put at risk the economies of both Tanzania and Kenya. The revenues collected by tourism from both these countries cannot be matched by a single highway. It is then time for the Kenyan government and other officials to exert economic and political pressure on the Tanzanian Government to avert this danger. It is time for action.

- NGO’s, Research Institutes, Scientists and Educational institutes to stand against this highway. I call on the aforesaid to make their stance clear, iterating the damage that is likely to occur and re-iterating that there are alternatives that can work as well if not better.

- The East African region which has over the years has been faced with degrading environments and dodgy environmental issues (the Mau forest in Kenya, Tanzania’s move to trade in ivory are just a few example) take a stand. The threat to the Serengeti and other east African sites has become one too many. This is a call to the people of the world to say enough is enough. In Wangari Maathai’s words, “The environment is not about today or tomorrow. The environment is about all the time. It is about the air we breathe. It is about the water we drink.” For the logical people out there, it is time to dig in deeper to the impacts of the environmental damage that this single highway could propagate. It could in the next fifteen or so years determine whether you are able to drink water. It is about whether your children and future generations can reap the benefits of a formidable and matchless ecosystem. It is time for people to stand and say that you will not allow a government to make short sighted selfish decisions.

- The people of Tanzania demand transparency and fairness in all government action, starting here. Can all Tanzanian businesses and people ask for clarity on the research and studies conducted by the government on the impacts of the highway. Can we jointly make a call that the people who carried out this research have open debates with environmentalists, other politicians, statisticians and scientists so we can all better understand the underlying issues.

The above are only some of the impacts and reasons why the proposed Serengeti highway should not be ratified. It is even more concerning that institutes such as the World Bank lack the responsibility and/or authority to force the government to opt for the alternate route. This article is long but needs to be so because there are as many concerns that must be dealt with. For all the sceptics, please feel free to conduct your own research on the issue and make a change.

Green and infrastructure!

A drive down Chiromo road or towards it, and the familiar sight of what was once the International Casino meets you. Museum Hill round-about is no longer what it used to be - once a lush green corner filled with trees and plants, it is now a dreary sight for anyone who has half a brain. And it only gets worse: the trees, that took years to grow and have been part of the magnificent view against the backdrop of the National Museum, are no longer erect, but lay dead and heaped along the road, after being cut off to accommodate the upcoming high-tech road network.

Of course we need the roads! Hell, after spending hours in traffic, I'm sure everyone agrees we need more roads- let's build them! And voila, we have a great plan: great infrastructure being built by the oh, so environment conscious Chinese! Question is, do we really need the needless destruction as well? Is it impossible to improve our transport network, without wanton destruction of our environment? Does development necessitate a needless demolition of our surroundings? Is Nairobi set to become another concrete jungle city?

One might argue that cutting down a "few trees" at one round-about doesn't precedent great disaster, but lets take a look at patterns: State house road - over the last few weeks numerous trees have been cut off on this once beautiful avenue of sorts. One only has to look at Westlands and Parklands (Hurlingham is catching up) to see how many trees have been mutilated over the last few years. I wonder how long our safe havens (for now - Karen, Runda, Loresho etc)will last? (Isn't it a pity we now have specific green areas? (and lavington no longer falls under this list.)) And, no one seems to be questioning these decisions or choices! Where is the famed Green Belt Movement? It seems to me that it is a dead association. What are organizations like NEMA doing? Can they account for the number of random buildings appearing on our skylines, all the office buildings in residential areas and the shoddy infrastructures that have propped up at random corners?

Ever driven down the by-pass joining Mombasa road to Langata? Right next to the National park, the road is an eye-sore, the buildings alongside are ugly, if not horrendous monstrosities. Slums are developing right next to the road and the garbage collecting alongside the park fence is a sight-full! The one good thing about this is KWS's initiative to plant trees - please do become part of this must needed change...

That brings me to something else that is perhaps the most annoying thing about the whole situation - our lack of interest and action. How many people really give a damn that we are becoming a less green, more dirty city? Selfishness to sell land and make money, or buy more buildings and build more things, is so great that we don't seem to be thinking at all. Do we really need to sell land to someone who will build a gigantic structure next to someone's house? Can we think beyond our selfish causes? We are the same people who complain when there is no water flowing from our taps, no rainfall - drought, a high cost of living! And then , when the rain does come, we complain that it is inconsistent, that it is washing away buildings, causing havoc! Think People!!!!! Its time for radical green thinking - you have a responsibility that is beyond you and yours; beyond making money and making it big; beyond leading the rat race - it is a responsibility to life! A life worth living in a green, clean, efficient place! Review your take on the green debate - do something right! We are lucky in Nairobi, things could be a lot worse. Then again, if we don't do something soon then we are bound to be a lot worse than anywhere else!

Promise...

And I stood amidst the vast hills and against the never ending backdrop of more hills. I looked up into the sacred, seemingly endless sea of blue, "This is the sky" I was told a lifetime ago. Eons ago, when I was a child, I remember people looking up and praying to god as though he lived in that unflinching, moody sky, and today, years later I stand below that promise of hope, looking up through glistening eyes; angry eyes; searching for hope - this thought of a god, this mere fiction of imagination?

And i shouted at the sky. Raging, questioning this injustice, demanding a return of faith, seeking healing from the very entity that abandoned me. The anguish in my voice deafening, enticing the silence around me. And then moments of consummate stillness -tears falling rapidly down my face, hair tangled wildly across my face, unattended, unaware of anything but pain. On my knees now, crumpled against the unyielding, hard, stolid earth, face bent over dishevelled heart and mind, weighed down by cares - relentless, faced by the sempiternal truth that this was desperation, and finally awakening to the cold magnanimous wind sweeping around me. Cold eyes stare back at the sky, warmth returning to them as the blue, now dark-grey, heavens pounded the earth incessantly, heavily thunderously with tears of hope - soaking my body, drowning, forgetting, peace, safe...

Poem

My mind is in a cluster

I cant seem to find the muster

To sit down and write like a jester.

Perhaps, it is my imagination that begins to fester?

Or maybe, it is this coldness creeping,

That at times has me weeping,

And every time I see life leaping,

A reminder that comes in seeping - 

And yet tomorrow,

Amidst all this sorrow,

I'll see you. And once more

Feel life course through me and soar!

Some More Poetry

Gum

It got in at 10:00 a.m.

It is now 6:00 p.m.

It was a crisp, clean bite

Until the rough-tough edges of molar

Dug deep into its extendable surface.

Stretching, rolling over

Tongue,

Biting flavour out of its life,

Sucking away all 

Sweetness.

Crunching non-stop,

Till all that remains is a 

Rubbery rubber mass – tastes of rubber,

Rough like rubber,

Persistent like rubber:

This gum I'm chewing

Has me spewing

Ictus

It might sound passé,

Like an over-worked caché -

My brain begins to malfunction,

As I pave my way to this junction.

Will it be the right or left?

Will this decision be all I have left?

Weave in, Weave out 

Wayward waving through waves,

Rippling rage, random, roaming,

Riding, rearing, rising. 

Falling

And back here, tired -

Life, my boss, has been fired.

Crying shame that.

Howdy, there? Can ye here me?

Blabbing am I?

Well, what do you care?

Indeed,you do care:

Simple sanity, sacred, soars

Settles, sublime, surreptitious 

Safety. Still spent,

Spent out

Spent down

Spent

Spe

Sp

S

s

Some Dance and Grad Pics

Taken by Storm

It was one of those days when you wake up knowing nothing can go wrong. The weather was perfect: grey and whispering of merry rain, promising to shower the sedate parched hills with a long awaited cleansing. No hint of sunlight appeared to mar the delightful play of the rain drops, flowing in gentle angles and a growing rapidity that would have been regarded forceful, except for the grace with which it embraced the surroundings.

I turned from the window and looked to the other side. He was sprawled comfortably on the bed, stirring slightly, as the first drops hit the pane of glass and rumbled against the brick tiles of this cottage. Ever so slowly his eyes opened and looked straight into mine; a glimmer of a smile played on his lips as he watched me hugging a mug of hot coffee to my lips and dressed in a grey sweatshirt that was unmistakably his. With a slow movement he beckoned me to him. I walked to him. Such comfort should be scary but it wasn't. I was bound to this entity: he was my friend, he was my lover, he was my passion, he was my flaw and he was my joy.

Road Trouble

The Hazards on the roads of Nairobi

Relax, people. This is not about the usual robberies and hijackings we always here about. Don’t get me wrong, those are big issues and important issues, and most importantly issues that are of critical importance to our lives. But as much as these are critical, there are few other issues that are just as important: potholes,Matatus and traffic cops, in increasing order of danger! Wait, let me explain…

The pot holes on our roads: These are phenomenal sites and I believe that we could actually carry of the first prize for the “potholes as a tourist attraction” awards. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, we were beaten to it - I know, seems impossible doesn’t it? Especially when you are driving through South C, or some roads in Industrial Area to name but a few - these are the times when you wonder what the hype is about the NgoroNgoro crater. Oh well, in Brazil we met our match. I say this after recently seeing a video clip of a lady whose car disappeared, and I mean literally disappeared, into a pot hole there, And relying on the authenticity of this clip, I have to come to the rather sad conclusion that we were beaten hollow. We have a problem, but there are places where it is a lot worse…

The Matatus:…mmmh where do I start? Ok, right here Oh mi god!!!!( I have momentarily recovered.) Matatus are "life savers" who go through, over and around cars, roads, footpaths and people to get us to our destinations on time, or at least faster than by other more, reasonable (for lack of a better word) means of transport. But do I even have to mention the price fluctuations, frequent melees, rudeness and the vicious onslaught of these four wheeled monsters in and out of traffic? And, of course when we are all patiently sitting in traffic it is only because we are inane Dudus who don’t realize that if we use the footpath instead traffic will ease out. So, it is settled - matatus are a hazard: a mighty force NOT to be reckoned with…

…and finally we come to the police: To narrow it down, I specifically mean the traffic police on our roads. The traffic police claim to be helping out with our road congestion problems. Many people seem to believe them and often call them to assist when there seems to be a hold up on the roads. These individuals are either inane or innocent naïve souls who cannot see that they have just invited (willingly!) the most dangerous species on our roads to feast, and destroy all hope for other road users. 

My first concern is the waste of resources - oh no not the policemen - I mean the traffic lights. I suggest that since they are not being used, the government allow interested parties to go to the streets, pull the traffic signals out of their settlements and display them at home for any purpose thought appropriate (NB: for all the Kikuyus and Shahs, only one per household and not for commercial purposes, if you please). This will save tax payers money and benefit the cops as they will not have any competition on the traffic creation issues.

But of course, it is only the Kenyan traffic cops who have this incredible skill of getting as many cars as possible around the round about and keeping them there, so no cars can move, and the more number of cars there are and the more number of roundabouts affected, the better. I am convinced that they make big money by betting on who’ll create the best snarl up for the day (ooops did I say snarl?) Perhaps, it is a case of personal vendetta - you know I'm not getting paid well, so let me get onto the road and show these people that even if they getting paid they can't get home to make use of that money...

So, the traffic cops are like a disease that leaves individuals ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, DEPRESSED, MAD and utterly USELESS and BRAINLESS…and…have therefore won the price of the greatest HAZARDS on the roads of Nairobi affecting people physically, mentally and emotionally! You can't beat them...

Some Of my Favourite Quotes

"Weeping may endure the night but joy cometh in the morning." (from the Bible quoted in Anne of the Island: L.M.Montgomery)

"Keep up your bright swords for the dew will rust them." (from Othello: W. Shakespeare)

"My problems began in my early childhood. I went to a school for mentally challenged teachers." (Woody Allen)

"The rose of love makes the blossom of friendship pale and scentless in contrast." (from Anne of the Island: L.M. Montgomery)

"There's nothing complicated about love: You either love someone or you don't. The complications only rise when one does and the other doesn't" (me!! hehehe)

Malaise

I cannot find words
Fitting to describe
This quandary I am in,
Where everything seems to pale
When you go away.

I wish it would change,
I'd like to taste life again -
Perhaps not.
But, this burden of needing you,
This fact, that my life is etched in memories of you...
Haunts.

I wish you were mine, only mine.
And I wish you wanted me to be yours.
I wish we could forget,
All that cannot be,
Except your love for me.
For this I would abandon reality.

Plague

Plague

He walked into my office. Immediately, he stuttered “ I’m ssso..orryy. I didn’t mean to be rude back in the days…”

Cutting his apologies short I spoke in a monotone voice “Please have a seat and tell me how I can help you.” Undeterred he continued “Look, I know what I did was wrong, but you really did not have to keep me waiting so long…” 

I was certain I heard a hint of anger? And again I spoke in that neutral voice so alien to me, “I’m sorry but I did not do that out of spite. I really had some business to take care of. Now, if we could get down to business, maybe I can help.”

Barely half an hour later he left my office, his job secure. In addition he succeeded in stirring up old memories; memories filled with pain, loneliness, rejection.

“Earth to Sarah!” startled I looked up to see Michael grinning at me, his blue eyes brimming with mischief. Tantalizing silky hair cropped over a perfect forehead, up in the air nose, and a stoic determined chin. A frame of suave and polish clung to him at all times. I smiled back, lamely, willing myself to disguise my renewed afflictions. It was pointless, he wouldn't be fooled “Want to talk?”

The smile that spread on my lips then was genuine. He had that effect on me “No, I’m okay. Let’s go. I need to have some serious fun.” Picking up my purse I followed a silent Michael to his car and we were both glad when we reached the restaurant, haunted by our own thoughts, glad to be surrounded, at last, by other colleagues and friends.

I had just started enjoying myself when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around I faced him again. Restraining the throbbing in my head and smiling politely, I shook the hand he proffered, “Hope everything is okay?’

“Yes. And it’s all because of you. Thank you so much.”

“How are Jack and Steve?” I gulped. The tears were threatening. I had to get out! My head bowed, I muttered a harried “excuse me” and fled to the car park. I couldn't stop crying. The tears fell unchecked, unstoppable, stubborn to the core. I was helpless; then as if I saw light, a new sense, buried within me surfaced. Courageously and confidently I walked back into the restaurant and went straight to him, looked him in the eye, took a deep breath and burst forth, “Well, I've finally seen you face to face! you know you hurt me so bad, I've never been able to get over it!” Was it my normally husky voice that sounded shrill and on the verge of panic?I barely heard his muttered apology, when my eyes fell on Jack and Steve. My courage pelted to an all time low…courage? But I continued portraying a confidence I did not have “You should have just told me you didn't want to talk to me…god knows I would have got over that. Instead you…” the tears were streaming down my face again. I felt the warmth of Michael right next to me, “you buried my self-confidence, my self-esteem, self-pride. Everything. I've spent my whole life trying to regain all that and you know what? There’s still a part of me that feels unwanted, a part of me that feels I'm not good enough. You hardly knew me and yet you decided not to talk to me and spurned me. Was I so bad?” my legs felt like jelly. My voice had been reduced to a whisper, pleading and searching. Only Michael’s steadying grip stopped me from falling.

I glanced at him. He had nothing to say. I had not found the answers. I knew I never would. The pain didn't disappear; bitterly I realised it was more prominent than ever. I realised why I had wanted to be friends with them: they were fun nice people and now I had hurt them all - I could see it in their eyes. Their discomfort was no solace to me. I felt rotten “I'm sorry if I made you feel culpable. It’s not your fault.” And I walked away with Michael, preserving the little dignity I had left. I looked up at Michael, my friend. He glanced back not meeting my eyes. I stopped short, “Is something wrong?” my voice was trembling. I was trembling.

“Mmmh…well…I think….you shouldn't have made a fool of yourself. What’s wrong with you? People were watching you. You made a scene. You embarrassed me…it was all so ridiculous!!!” 

I stood rooted to the ground. “You didn’t have to stay with me if I embarrassed you.” It was a fiery statement, said with anger but I felt the evaporation of all my emotions. I’d lost another friend. Friend?

The room dimmed, the crowd seemed out of focus. I picked my handbag and walked out of the restaurant. I walked out and walked home, alone and despondent, as if dead.

Some of my Poetry

Distances

Distancing yourself,

Seeking solitude:

Not for self, but from me.

Yet you say,

"All is well"

But days go by,

And I turmoil within…

Vast fields lie

Between us now.

Fields of abundance

That I tried to conquer

Tried, but failed;

Failed to conquer land,

Failed to capture you.

And so, I meet your silence

With a silence of my own;

Pretentious disinterest lays bare,

Covered am I in a cloak of calmness.

Painless I appear

But scorned am I

Still do I submit

To anything you offer me-

Be it love, dislike, silence, ignorance!-

Merely because it is you who offers it.

Alone

A dream of better times crosses my mind.

Visions of things not yet done creep in,

Urging me on - hurry live your fantasies!

Alas,

Shattered! Barren! Asleep!

Dead are my dreams.

Unable I remain, to live them -

For you perceived my visions with me

And now you no longer stand the sight of me!

Envy

Green, Vivid, Stark

Rippling through my being;

Seeds of doubt penetrate

Unconsciousness steals in

I dwindle by and by,

As I watch you clasp,

What is not mine,

But of another green,

Cheerful and spring-full,

Un-diseased by pettiness,

Pollution free,

Full of life,

Jealousy be damned,

For thus did I fall,

Thus did she live,

Emerald green, mocking

My blistering, burning ochre.

The lie

The room was blanketed in darkness.

I look out the window,

More darkness.

An endless abyss of black,

No promise of light;

I turn away from the

Honest fool.

I close my eyes- and behold:

A glimmer of light!

I chase it through

Forests and mountains

Rivers, seas! My

Smile broadens

The light grows stronger.

My eyes flicker, open;

Darkness envelopes me again.

Ecstasy

Nirvana! I

Awake

To silver and black -

Exotic,

Thrilling,

Tempting.

All around a pool of colour:

A deep and rich

Ethereal music;

Approaching stealthily-

Undaunted:

Full of magic.

Enticing me, and then

Consuming

Mountain, sea, sky and rock.

Dance

A Little About Dance

Dancing: what can I say? I have been in dance class since I was a few days old and been learning since I was three! So, here's some nice stuff to know about my kind of dancing:

Khantaanyat Lambayat Geetam

Hastana Artha Pradakshayat

Chakshubhyam Darshayat Bhavom

Padabhyam Tala Acherait

Yato Hasta Stato Drushti

Yato Drushti Stato Manaha

Yato Manaha Stato Bhavom

Yato Bhavom Stato Rasaha

This means:

Keep the song in your throat

Let your hands bring out the meaning

Your glance should be full of expression

While your feet maintain the rhythm

Where the hand goes, there the eyes should follow

Where the eyes are, the mind should follow

Where the mind is, there the expression should be brought out

Where the expression is, there the rasa or flavour will be experienced (by the audience).

more later...